Not Totally Alone
by NefariousEnvy
Summary: Katniss finds comfort in Haymitch after returning to District 12. While Haymitch is not the first thought in Katniss's mind when she thinks of company, she realizes he is all she's got.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Totally Alone**

**Chapter 1**

I am in District 12 and I'm alone. The only person that came back with me was Haymitch and he is always drunk and we don't really talk. But, I need company even if it is Haymitch. That is how I know I have hit rock bottom. I want to be around Haymitch. Wait. I want to be around Haymitch? Why? I must have completely lost my mind now. Well, that was inevitable I guess but I never thought it would be like this. I also am in serious need of a drink so I can numb everything out. So, I decide that I will go to Haymitch's house. He is company, albeit, not very good company, but beggars can't be choosers.

When I arrive at Haymitch's front he looks shocked to see me at on his doorstep. That makes two of us. He lets me in and asks "What is it, Sweetheart?"

"I need a drink," I reply. I left out the part about needing company because that is not how we do things. We don't talk about our feelings of loneliness. I don't need to say this because we can read each other so well that I am sure he already knows. No need to state the obvious and look weak. He lets me in and pours me a glass of some amber liquid. I don't really want to know what it is so I don't ask. It probably tastes disgusting anyway. But I'm not here for the taste. I am here for the feeling the alcohol induces. It takes away the memories and numbs me for a while. I don't want to feel anything and that amber liquid will make that possible. So, I take the glass from Haymitch's outstretched hand and chug the contents as fast as I can. I wince and cough as the alcohol burns my throat. I welcome the pain. I deserve the pain. Everyone I care about has either abandoned me or is dead and it is my fault. Haymitch looks at me with a hint of concern in his eyes. "Slow down, Sweetheart," he says. I hold out my glass so he will pour me some more. He looks at me skeptically for a moment then proceeds to pour me another drink. Again I finish it in one swig. This time the pain isn't as bad but I still cough and sputter. How the hell does he drink this stuff every day? I wonder to myself. Well, he is a hardened alcoholic I think to myself. Hell, if I could get past the taste I would do it too. It helps and anything that helps is alright with me. I have nothing to live for anymore and I honestly don't give a damn what happens to me now. When I am done with my fifth drink I reach for the bottle to pour another when, to my surprise, Haymitch stops me.

"That is enough, Sweetheart." He says with his "listen to you mentor" voice that he used when giving me advice before my games.

"No, it's not I say angrily grabbing the bottle and finishing the last fourth of the bottle in a few gulps. I didn't use a glass because Haymitch probably wouldn't have given me time to pour the liquor into my glass. He raises his eyebrows with a concerned look on his face.

"Katniss, this is not good. What are you doing? Are you trying to kill yourself?" He shouts angrily.

"Since when do you care about what happens to me?" I spit back with more anger than was necessary. I see hurt and pain register on his face. "You think I don't care about you, Sweetheart?" He says with so much sadness in his voice I am taken aback.

"I know you don't so don't pretend like you do. You just don't want me to drink all of your precious liquor!" I am yelling now. I am angry because I am confused by his reaction to my question. I have never seen Haymitch look hurt like this and especially not because of me. What is going on? "Fine," I say. "If I can't have anymore of you liquor I will get my own." And with that I storm out of his house and slam the door behind me. I walk back to my house where I quickly pass out from the copious amounts of alcohol I have consumed tonight.

**A/N: Please read and review and tell me if you want me to write more.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own The Hunger Games or any of the characters.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

The next morning I wake up with a head ache and I am really thirsty. I guess this is what a hangover feels like. Again, I wonder, how does Haymitch do this every day and night? In a way I see the appeal but I'm not sure the headache and dry mouth are worth it. Well, the dry mouth I can easily fix but I don't like the headache. Then again, to forget all the pain and memories from my games is worth this pain.

I keep thinking about Haymitch and what he said last night. He said he cares about me and about what happens to me. Maybe he was just drunk. But if he was drunk then wouldn't it make more sense for him to be sarcastic and rude? Unless, this is really the way he feels and when he's not drunk—which isn't very often—he doesn't act like he cares because that is not how our relationship dynamic works. We are cunning, crass, sarcastic, and negative towards each other. So, maybe he only has the courage to express this when he is drunk. But then why hasn't he done this before? Maybe he was more drunk than usual last night (whatever that means). It didn't seem like it, but then again, I wasn't exactly sober and couldn't see how drunk he really was. He does have a high tolerance for alcohol and I don't know what _more drunk than usual_ really means for him. He is always drunk. I don't know how to gage how drunk. If he wasn't more drunk then usual does that mean he cares about me? Maybe I am overthinking this a bit. Why does it matter to me anyway? I don't care about him, do I? Well, I guess, but not in the way he was acting like he did last night. Again, I'm probably over analyzing things. What do I even mean by "the way he was acting like he did last night?" That makes it seem like I think he might have feelings for me beyond what a mentor feels for a mentee, which is platonic and maybe protective, if that. He most certainly doesn't and couldn't feel anything else for me. If he does feel something more for me would I return his feelings? Do I actually think of him as more than a friend? Is that why I think he has feelings for me? Maybe I do feel something for him. I know I care about him but how much and what does that mean? He is the only person I have left and when I was with him last night I didn't feel lonely. Of course, that was probably the liquor. I'm not sure what caring for him means to me. I know that I want him to be ok and not dead but I have never thought much beyond that. Maybe I see more to him than that. Maybe he is actually like a friend. That is a weird thought that has never occurred to me. But I don't think it's a bad thing. It is nothing more than friendship and a mentor/mentee relationship, right? Maybe he feels the same way about me. He wants to make sure I am ok and thinks of me as a friend. We have never said this out loud probably because it is sappy and too touchy feely. But more than anything it is because subconsciously we already knew. Well, it was definitely subconsciously for me and most likely he knew this before I did. Maybe I saw this in him too without even realizing it. We know each other so well that sometimes I think we know each other better than we know ourselves. We were able to communicate in the arena during both games in a way that he and Peeta couldn't.

Another thing I realize as I am sitting in my rocking chair in front of the fire is that I feel safe with Haymitch. I trusted him with my life during both of my games and I guess I still do. He has been there for me when I have needed him most and even though he is rough around the edges, he cares about me and has always protected me and kept me safe. He was doing the same thing last night. He was looking out for me like he did as my mentor. In a way he is still my mentor. He has gone above and beyond what it means to be a mentor. He has become my friend and he is a constant person in my life, which is more than I can say about anyone else. Prim and Peeta are dead, Gale took a job in district 2 and left me, some friend he turned out to be, and my mom is in district 4 working in a hospital. She abandoned me for the second time. She abandoned Prim and I when our dad died by leaving us to fend for ourselves. Really I did all the work. I hunted and fed Prim, my mom, and myself since I was 11 years old. The only person who has been there since my games is Haymitch and he came back with me to District 12. He didn't have to come back with me but he did. I don't know why he did it. Maybe it was because he wanted to make sure that I don't kill myself. I don't know why I didn't realize that I have always felt this way until now. Maybe he came back for another reason. Maybe he was forced. Would he really come back out of the goodness of his heart? Does he care that much? That's too insane of a thought to contemplate. Nobody has ever cared for me that much. No way. But, now that I have thought about this I have to know why he came back with me, even if it was because he was forced to. The capitol probably didn't want the insane Mockingjay to kill herself or anyone else. There really isn't anyone else in 12 to kill. Well, there is Peeta's mom and dad at their bakery and Greasy Sea who cooks for me and comes by to check on me, but I wouldn't kill them. There is a new liquor seller at the hob but I never go to the bakery or the hob. I never leave Victor's Village at all. I only know about this from what Sea tells me. The question about Haymitch's decision to return to 12 with me when nobody else did is still nagging at me. So, I finally decide I need to know. I'm going to go see Haymitch and ask.

**A/N: I have updated an edited Chapter 1. I am so sorry it took me so long to update. Fireloveswater23 and tarakayy, I am sorry for publishing the same chapter. I was having trouble figuring out how to publish a new chapter. I finally figured it out. Thank you so much for your reviews. You guys keep me going and because of you, I am going to continue to publish. Chapter 3 is in the making and hopefully will be done soon. I dedicate Chapter 2 to both of you. Again, I am really sorry about the publishing mistake. I don't think it will happen again. Here is Chapter 2. I hope you enjoy it. For any beta writers out there, if you want to edit my story please feel free to do so. **

**-NefariousEnvy**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

Before I leave, I need to shower and put on some clean clothes. I haven't showered in who knows how long and I'm not even sure if I have clean clothes. I have become a slob since I got back, I think to myself. I need to change that. My house is a mess and my kitchen is atrocious. I haven't done dishes in so long that the dishes have piled up so much that they fill the sink and are overflowing onto the counters. The garbage hasn't been taken out for a while and it has also piled up. Mounds of trash bags line the walls around the front door. My house looks like Haymitch's. His slovenly ways have rubbed off on me. This is just unacceptable. So, I decide to clean my house, shower and wash my clothes before I go see Haymitch. When I go to my room to gather my clothes, I see that I was right; I don't have any clean clothes. The clothes I have been wearing look dirty and wrinkled and upon taking them off to see if they might be suitable to wear to Haymitch's house, I notice how much they stink. They smell like I haven't showered in days, which is true. I guess Haymitch didn't notice last night, or didn't mention it if he did. He doesn't have much room to talk though. He probably wouldn't even notice if I smelled bad because his house smells the same if not worse. I guess I shouldn't be too judgmental. I haven't been the most hygienic person lately. Well, I'm going to fix that today. Another thing I haven't noticed is how dirty my house looks. Now that I think about it, Haymitch's house doesn't smell as bad as it used to. But then I figure the reason for this is because my house smells and looks so much like his that I have gotten used to it by now. That's gross. I feel disgusting. Well, time to get started. I take off my clothes and gather up my other dirty clothes to put in the washer. It will take a few loads to wash everything, but I need to clean up. I need to wash my bedding too. The sheets smell like sweat and bad body odor. While the first load of laundry is in the washer, I start on the kitchen. I do the dishes and throw out the plethora of trash that has accumulated by my front door. After that, I wipe the counters and stove, clean the living room, and mop the kitchen floor. I also pick up all the other trash I see lying around the house. Once that is all done, I continue with the laundry. By the 3rd or 4th load I have cleaned my room and enything else I could think of that needed it. When all my clothes are washed and dry, I pick out a pair of clean panties, a bra, plain blue jeans and a long sleeve black shirt. I lay these things on my now made bed with clean sheets and go shower. After I have showered, shaved my legs and underarms, brushed my hair (which I put into a braid), brushed my teeth, gotten dressed, and have my shoes on, I deem myself presentable enough to go to Haymitch's house.

Just as I am about to leave, I decide to call first and ask if is alright with him if I come over. I normally just barge in, but for some reason, I'm calling him this time. I dismiss this as me being polite for once. I guess I'm in a good mood today. It's probably because of all the cleaning. It was therapeutic. So, I pick up the phone and dial his number, which for some reason, I know. He picks up and when he answers he sounds like he has just woken up. This is probably the case. I then proceed to ask if I could come over. He says in a sleepy voice, "sure, Sweetheart. Just give me 20-30 minutes to shower and get dressed.

"Ok," I say and then hang up the phone. I decide to take a trip to the Hob and buy 5 bottles of really good liquor and a nice bottle of wine for Haymitch. After all, I did drink a lot of his liquor last night and he looked like he might be running low. But, knowing him, he probably has some stashed away somewhere. Even so, I feel like I should buy him some and maybe a bit for myself. When I return from the Hob I have 10 bottles of liquor and 2 bottles of really good wine. Ok, so this was going overboard, but I have plenty of money as a victor so it's not a big deal because I can afford it now. I drop off 5 bottles of liquor and a bottle of wine at my house then I make the short trek to Haymitch's house. I almost forgot about my reason for going over and when I remember it occurs to me that he may not tell me. It was definitely a good idea to buy all this liquor. I don't know why I knock, but I do. When Haymitch opens the door I am taken aback by his tidy appearance. His hair looks soft and his face has a bit of stubble but I find that it suits him. He is dressed nicely. He usually wears expensive and fashionable clothes but they don't usually look so nice and well kempt. He doesn't dress like the flashy people in the Capitol though. He dresses relaxed but very nice. I can't see Haymitch in fancy Capital clothes. That's just not him. I laugh at the thought. Haymitch gives me an inquisitive look with his eyebrows raised.

"What's so funny, Sweetheart? He asks me.

"Oh nothing," I say with a wave of my hand in an attempt to dismiss the laugh as if it was nothing. He doesn't push it as he steps back to let me in. As I take in his clean look I find myself thinking he is actually quite handsome. I then quickly reprimand myself and shake off the strange thought. What the hell was that thought? I mentally ask myself. I put it out of my mind and don't think about it. It's probably nothing.

"I have something for you," I say

"Oh, what is it?"

"Some of the best liquor and wine the Hob has to offer," I say with a smile. I hope he likes it. I'm sure he will. Wait, why do I care what he thinks? Anyway, of course he will like it. He normally drinks the cheapest stuff because he buys liquor so often that he can't always have the good stuff. I'm sure to him this is an improvement. I'm reading way too much into last night and I shouldn't be thinking about how good he looks tonight. I shouldn't even think he looks good at all. What has gotten into me? I'm acting like I have a crush on Haymitch, which I don't, I think. I'm just appreciative of the fact that he cares about me and my well-being. That's all, nothing more. As I am thinking all of this, Haymitch notices my odd silence and asks,

"You're quiet this evening. Why is your face red? Are you ok? "

"Oh, it's probably because my face is cold from walking outside." I answer. I'm not even sure if that makes sense. People's faces turn red when they are cold, right? I hope he buys it, or at least pretends to so I don't have to think up another excuse and risk him finding out if he hasn't already. I didn't even know I was blushing. Why would I be blushing? It's just Haymitch.

"Thanks for the liquor and wine, Sweetheart. I was running a little low and this saves me a trip to the Hob."

"You're welcome."

"How about we open one of these bottles, huh? I just made some pasta if you're hungry. Wine would go great with it, what do you think?

"That sounds great. And now that you mention it, I am kind of hungry."

"Alright, let me get some glasses and plates."

Haymitch and I ate dinner with little conversation. I am horrible at small talk and never know what to say. I'm nervous and I'm not entirely sure why. I hope he hasn't notices how uneasy I am tonight. He knows me so well though, that I know he has. The question is, what does he make of it? I hope I'm not acting too weird. I find myself glancing in his direction and when he looks up I promptly return to my food or take a drink of wine hoping he didn't catch me staring at him. I can feel myself blushing and I doubt he will buy the "my face is cold" excuse because we are inside. Maybe I can say it's the alcohol. Would he believe that? Probably not, but if he asks, maybe I can pull it off. Hopefully he won't mention it because he will see right through me. This is getting awkward. I don't know what to do or say and I don't know what he thinks of my strange behavior.

Upon finishing dinner, I realize we drank the whole bottle of wine, which isn't saying much considering there are two of us and one of them is Haymitch. We then proceed to the living room with one of the bottles of liquor I brought over. Haymitch turns on the television, and as usual, nothing is on, but we look at the program because we have nothing better to do. Haymitch is hogging the entire bottle so he takes out another bottle for me. I want to get drunk because I'm nervous and the night has been awkward. We had been sitting in silence when Haymitch asks

"So, what is going on with you tonight?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been acting strange, more strange than usual. I can tell there is something you are thinking about and I also get the impression you are trying to hide whatever it is from me."

"Why would you think that," I ask with an attempt at a light-hearted laugh. Here it is, I think to myself, he has picked up on my out-of-character behavior. I can't tell him the reason. If I think things are weird now they will be even weirder if I tell him or if he finds out (which is more likely). But, I have to say something or this will just get worse. I take a deep breath before I say, "Last night, when you said you care about me, what did you mean by that? "

"Katniss, I meant that I care about you. Seeing you drink yourself into oblivion and become like me is something I can't let happen. You're stronger than that. You are my first tribute to become a victor and you are so much like me, how could I not care about you? I know I am no longer your mentor, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to leave or abandon you just because you won your games. You are more than just another tribute. You're different. You're smart, quick and you're a survivor. From the moment I saw you volunteer for your sister to take her place in your first games, I knew you were something special. Not just anyone would have done that. I remember thinking to myself, '_maybe, just maybe, this girl can win.' _ When you came out of the arena after the end of the 74th Hunger Games, I was relieved to see you. Not only had I finally mentored a victor, but you gave me hope. Hope for a better future. You were the spark that started the fire that brought on the rebellion. Your stubborn attitude pissed me off most of the time, but because of your stubborn and rebellious nature you started the revolution that took down the Capitol.

In response to Haymitch's speech, I took a long drink from my bottle which was almost empty. I was feeling pretty drunk by now and didn't know what to say or how to react. Haymitch is sitting on the couch looking at me. I get up from the floor to sit next to him. I'm touched by what he said and I'm not sure how to thank him. I don't think about what I'm doing as I lean towards Haymitch. I press my lips softly to his at first. I swing one leg over his lap. I'm straddling him and I kiss him again more passionately this time. His lips are soft and warm. He tastes like liquor but, to my surprise, I don't mind. He tastes good. The kiss doesn't last long because before I know what else to do, he is pushing me away. I open my eyes to see his eyes are open wide in shock. He almost jumps when he realizes I am straddling him.

"Holy hell, Katniss! What are you doing?"

"It's ok," I whisper as I pull his head towards mine for another kiss. My fingers tangle in his soft hair as I crash my lips to his. I kiss him, and this time, I think he might be kissing me back. Before I even have time to be sure, he is pushing me away again.

"This is definitely not ok, what has gotten into you? You're obviously drunk and confused."

"No, I'm not. I know what I want," I say as I try to lean in for another kiss. This time, he stops me before our lips meet. He lifts me off his lap and sets me on the couch grabbing my arms. He is looking at me now with a serious expression on his face. He turns me turns so we are now facing each other. I am looking into his eyes. He has grey seam eyes that are so much like mine; it is like I am looking in the mirror at my own eyes. I never realized how beautiful his eyes are. They contain warmth and compassion at this moment. Something I have never seen before. Then I remember last night. He had this same look in his eyes. I don't know what it means, but I like this look.

"Sweetheart, you are so young and you don't want this. I can't let you do something we will both regret. "

"You were kissing me back. I felt it. You want this too, don't you?"

"I think we have both had enough to drink tonight and that you should go home and get a good night's sleep." He sighs and looks down away from my eyes. I feel embarrassed and rejected. Why did I just kiss Haymitch? He must be right; I have had enough to drink. I have probably had too much or I wouldn't be doing this. I'm not sure how true that is, but it probably has some truth to it. I wouldn't have the courage to do this if I was sober. I'm not even sure what this feeling is or what it would mean if it was something romantic. Whatever this is, I shouldn't stick around and make an even bigger fool of myself.

"I'm going to go home. Thanks for dinner," I say as I stand up and walk to the door. I finish off the rest of the bottle in my hand and leave, shutting the door behind me.

When I am back in my house I break out another bottle of liquor and begin to drink. He's right; I need a good night's sleep to figure things out. I don't want to think about this tonight. I will sort this all out tomorrow. As I am drifting off to sleep, I realize that Haymitch never answered my question about wanting to kiss me. What does that mean? I'm not going to find out. I don't know if I can face him after tonight. I fall asleep pondering the possibility that he might have liked it when I kissed him and what that could mean.

**A/N: Here is Chapter 3. I hope this constitutes as a long chapter. If you like it then please review. I would really appreciate it. I have just finished my finals so, hopefully, I will be able to write more. Merry Christmas and have a Happy New Year.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**Haymitch's POV**

What just happened? One minute Katniss and I were chatting and drinking, and then she pulled a 180 on me. She kissed me! She has gone back to her house, and now I'm left here trying to figure out what to do. How do I face her? What would I say to her? I don't know what to think. She was drunk. The problem is, while I might have been drunk, it is nothing out of the norm for me. I was tipsy. I wasn't nearly at the same level of drunk as she was. That doesn't sit well with me. When she asked me if I wanted to kiss her, I didn't answer. I think I kissed her back. She noticed and I didn't know how to explain that. Maybe I was more drunk than I thought. What is more worrisome is I think I liked it. We probably shouldn't see each other for a while. We should let things calm down first. Put it behind us and pretend it never happened. I am too sober to deal with this. I need another drink and I need to black out and not think.

I wake up in the morning, which is weird for me because I usually wake up around noon if not later. I don't want to be awake right now but I can't sleep because I can't stop thinking about last night. I was dreaming about it. In my dream I didn't make her stop. I guess it's better than dreaming about what I usually do. I wouldn't call them dreams; they are nightmares about my games. I remember the girl I killed with an axe. I still remember the light go out of her eyes with the axe lodged deep in her skull. But, dreaming about Katniss is dangerous and not something I am used to. I wouldn't call this dream a nightmare. It was nice and that is what bothers me. It shouldn't be nice. I shouldn't be dreaming about it. I almost want to see her, but I know it's not a good idea; I have to do the right thing. I can't let that happen again.

**Katniss's POV**

I wake up the next morning with another hangover, but this time it's not so bad. Maybe I'm getting used to it; or maybe I'm a masochist who likes pain. Either way, I don't care and I suddenly understand why Haymitch does this. Yesterday morning I didn't understand, but today is different. The thing that surprises me is that I didn't have a nightmare or wake up screaming covered in sweat. I had a dream about Haymitch. It was about last night. He kissed me and it didn't stop there. Before anything else happened, I woke up. That is probably for the best. It was a weird dream and it doesn't mean anything. That dream was the alcohol messing with me head just like last night. That wasn't me. And yet, I want to see Haymitch again. I'm going to give it some time, though. I'm still really embarrassed about what happened.

I sit around my house and try to reason with myself why I kissed Haymitch. It wasn't just the alcohol. I actually wanted it and I still do. I enjoyed the kiss, and for a second, I thought he did too but that was just wishful thinking. I have come to a conclusion about my feelings concerning Haymitch. I hate to admit it and I certainly will never say this aloud; I know, without a doubt, that I have romantic feeling for Haymitch Abernathy. I can't tell him. He doesn't feel the same way and I would feel even worse. I'm not sure what would happen to our relationship if he knew. Nothing good, that's for sure. One of two things could happen: he tells me he feels the same way and then…what? I've never been in a romantic relationship and I wouldn't know what to do. The other possibility, which is a lot more likely, is he would tell me he doesn't feel the same way and I would be hurt. It would also make things awkward between us. He probably wouldn't want to see me anymore and I would be too embarrassed and rejected to do otherwise.

After what felt like hours of sitting around thinking about Haymitch, I decide I need to forget. I'm glad I went to the Hob yesterday, because God knows, I really need a drink. As I open the bottle, I find myself wondering if Haymitch is doing this right now. I'm sure he is.

"Cheers, Haymitch," I say to the empty room before I raise the bottle to my lips. This is going to be a really long night.

**A/N: I would really appreciate feedback on how I am doing. Even if it is criticism I would love your feedback. I hope you guys like it. This chapter is dedicated to all my reviewers thus far. Keep on reviewing and reading. I don't know if I will update again before the holidays. That depends on reviews and if you guys want me too. I have sort of started Chapter 5 and if you want, I will try to finish writing it and update as soon as possible. As always, happy holidays! I am also turning 21! Woot, woot!**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Damn Haymitch for telling me he cares about me. And damn me for developing romantic feeling for him. I'm thinking this when I wake up the next morning. I don't want to think about Haymitch or my feelings today. So I am going hunting as a distraction. I am surprised that I don't have a hangover. I am thirsty though but I don't think that counts as a hangover. I get out of bed, shower and put on my hunting pants, a long-sleeve shirt, a coat, and my hunting boots. I haven't gone hunting since I came back to 12. I hope I can catch something to eat.

As I open my door to make my way to the woods, I stop to look in the direction of Haymitch's house. I can't help but remember our previous encounter. At this thought, I mentally scold myself for thinking about it. Today is supposed to be a distraction. No Haymitch. I need to hunt to clear my mind and keep busy. I also want some real food.

I'm in the woods now and I have shot two squirrels, a rabbit, and a bird. I am not as good as I used to be in the aim department but I hit my targets most of the time. I didn't hit either of the squirrels directly in the eye, but I got my arrow through their heads. It's a little messy, but not too big of a deal. I can definitely use some practice though. My arms are sore and I need to work on rebuilding my muscles and strength. I bag my kills and head to the Hob.

At the Hob I give Greasy Sea a squirrel. She says her thanks and asks me how I am doing to which I respond, "I am doing better. Hunting helps keep my mind off of some things I don't want to think about." I don't want to tell her what these things are because it would probably change her opinion about me and she may have a strongly worded conversation with Haymitch. I don't want that being as things are awkward between us already and I don't want her to make it worse. On top of that, I am still hurt by his outright rejection. Dammit, I told myself none of that today. It seems as though I can't clear my mind enough to not think about him. The tiniest thing makes me think about him. I say goodbye to Sea and turn to go home when I see Haymitch at the bar area of the Hob. I stare for a moment and I think he might have noticed me. I quickly turn away hoping he didn't. I almost run home feeling embarrassed at the thought that Haymitch saw me.

When I arrive at my house, I quickly begin to busy myself with skinning and gutting the rabbit while trying to not think about seeing Haymitch in the Hob. After skinning and gutting the rabbit, I wash it and make it into a stew. The stew is quite acceptable for me. It is not as good as Greasy Sea's but it is at least edible.

After I am done eating I do the dishes and start a fire. I sit in the old rocking chair and despite trying not to, my thoughts inadvertently sway towards Haymitch. I want to see him again and explain everything but I don't know what I would say. Maybe we can hang out with no awkwardness. Yeah, as if that were even possible. No, that is just stupid. I drift off to sleep thinking about what reasonable excuse I can make up to go see Haymitch. Maybe I will go under the pretense of bringing him food. I should do more hunting before I try that though. I don't want to look pathetic and desperate with little to offer. That would make it obvious that I just want to see him. I need to purposefully catch too much food for me to eat so I will have a reason to share. He would get that and hopefully that would be it and he wouldn't give it a second thought. I still don't know what I would say but maybe there will be so much food that there won't be much time for talking. Besides even if we do talk, I doubt he will bring up our last visit. I'm sure it is awkward for him too. Or maybe we won't talk because we will be too busy kissing. That's not going to happen, I say to myself now stop going there. When I finally get to sleep, I dream about Haymitch.

**Haymitch's POV**

I saw Katniss today in the Hob and I swear she was staring at me. I hope she didn't realize I was staring at her as well. I only noticed her looking at me because I was about to take another glance in her direction. Maybe she didn't pick up on that. I'm sure she knows that I know she was staring at me. I wonder what she was thinking about at that moment. Does she think about what happened last night? I know I shouldn't, but I do, and I hate myself for it. I am over twice her age and she is still 17. She will be 18 in a few months though. I shouldn't be thinking about this. I need a drink. Make that several drinks. I want to go see her and tell her how I feel. I'm not even sure how I feel. I know I want her to kiss me some more. I have a lot of respect for her. She is strong, smart, brave, and attractive. It is that last thing that makes me pause for a minute. I shouldn't find her attractive. She is too young and I'm an old man. I feel like a dirty pervert. I find myself wishing I had let her continue kissing me. She doesn't really know how to kiss, but I could teach her. Absolutely not, that can't happen, I tell myself. I need to stay away from her for both of our safety and sanity. It would be taking advantage of her. I would never forgive myself for hurting her. She is vulnerable right now and she doesn't know what she wants. She thinks she wants me but she is confused and I can't indulge in this destructive behavior no matter how much I want to. We are friends and nothing more. I don't want to lose her. She is all I have. I wish I could think of a reason to go see her. Maybe I can take her some nice bottles of liquor to repay her for her generous contribution to my supply the other night. That is just an excuse though and I know it. I'm not even sure what I would talk about with her. It would be weird for both of us and I can't allow another repeat of last night. I keep drinking to put her out of my mind. Before I pass out, my last thought is of her and the way she kissed me. It is not a surprise that I dream of Katniss Everdeen.

**AN: I hope you like this chapter. I have mostly planned out Chapter 6 and I hope to post it when I have time. I am starting school next week and I don't know how much time I will have to write. But I will do my best. If you guys like my story, please review. You guys keep me motivated.**

**Special thanks to my reviewers:**

**firelovewater 23**

**tarakayy**

**Erin Bloodrein Sage **

**Claudia **

**I would also like to thank all my followers and the people that have added me to their favorites.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**Katniss's POV**

When I wake up the next morning I decide that I am going to see Haymitch today. I don't care that it may feel awkward; I have to see him and we need to talk. I will tell him I am sorry if I put him in an uncomfortable situation and it won't happen again. I don't regret it, though. I don't plan to tell him that last part, unless he asks. I'm not sure if I want to bring up our encounter but maybe we should get it out of the way so we can move on. Hey, maybe we can even be more than friends. Don't go there, Katniss. That is not going to happen and getting your hopes up won't do any good, especially if it doesn't work out the way you want. I tell myself this but I can't help but hope.

I need to mentally prepare myself for the task I have set for myself. To do this, I decide a trip to the woods is in order. I can hunt, and if I catch something, I can bring it to Haymitch's, giving me a good reason for being there. I dress quickly and head to the woods with my bow in hand. My mind is racing with all the possible scenarios that could happen when I see Haymitch. I set up traps and begin to hunt with my senses. I listen carefully to my surroundings and feel everything beneath my feet. I feel at peace here in this moment. I block Haymitch from my mind so I can focus on hunting. I can't push him completely out of my mind though. However, I do manage to push Haymitch to the back of my mind enough so I can concentrate.

Half an hour has passed and so far I have a squirrel. I hit the squirrel right in the eye this time. I am enjoying my kill, when I hear something a few feet away. Upon further inspection, I see what I think might be deer tracks. I can't believe my good fortune. If this is a deer and I kill it then I can really bring in a good haul to Haymitch. Maybe it will be so much of a distraction that he will forget all about the other night. I almost want it to come up and at the same time, I don't want to talk about it. I bring myself back to the present and turn my attention to the possibility of killing a deer. I can think about Haymitch later. I can think about him any time but I can't kill a deer whenever I want. I follow the tracks in the snow while keeping myself hidden. It is cold outside and the deer is looking for something to eat. He is having a hard time though because the pickings are pretty slim. While the deer is occupied, I get into position. I am pretty sure the deer cannot detect my presence and I want it to stay that way. I quietly get my bow ready with an arrow positioned to shoot. The deer notices me at the last minute and takes off running. I predict his trajectory and aim there. I shoot the arrow and hit the deer through the neck, right on target. The deer is weakened but is still moving. Without too much effort, I hit him again, this time in the head. He is now dead and on the ground ready for the taking. I smile to myself. I have a little bit of difficulty dragging the deer back to Victor Village, but eventually I make it. I am almost to my house, when I change my mind and turn to go to Haymitch's. Right when I get in front of his door, it opens. I jump in surprise, as does he.

"You scared me, Sweetheart."

"You scared me too." I say

"Ummm…You are outside my door, you know," he says with a smirk. I can't help but look into his eyes. They have a strange light in them that I don't know how to interpret. I am now staring at him for a few seconds before he clears his throat and brings me back out of my thoughts and back to the present. I quickly look at the ground, embarrassed. I feel my face heating as I realize that I was staring at him. "So, what are you doing in front of my door?" He asks surprised.

"I thought you might like some food." I say casually. My plan worked. I did catch a lot of food. I didn't expect to catch a deer though. I was thinking maybe a few squires and possibly some rabbits, but I had done a lot better than I had hoped.

"Sure you have enough there, Sweetheart?" he asks sarcastically as he looks at the deer.

"I'm not sure; maybe I should keep it all to myself." I say playfully. I suddenly notice that Haymitch is holding a few bottles of liquor. "What are you doing? I ask with my eyebrows raised in question.

"I was actually coming to see you," he says a bit quietly. Is he nervous? I wonder. No way, Haymitch doesn't get nervous and especially not around me.

"Oh," I reply more than a little surprised.

"I thought you might like to have a drink or something. It's all I have seeing as I can't cook worth a damn." He laughs at his own expense. "But it looks like you beat me to it." He is definitely nervous. Well, at least I'm not the only one.

"Well, guess so. Can I come in?"

"Of course. How rude of me. Come on in," he says as he moves out of the doorway to let me in.

"I will get the deer; you should go in and warm up."

"Thanks." Well, here we go again. I take a deep breath in an effort to calm myself before I walk into the warmth that is Haymitch's house.

**AN: I am sorry if I took too long to update. I hope you liked this chapter. For those of you who are back in school, good luck! As always, thanks to all of my reviewers and followers.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"So, what are we going to do with this big deer, Sweetheart?" Haymitch asks.

"Eat it, I guess."

"Well, I figured that part out but I don't think we can eat all of it by ourselves."

"I will probably take what we don't eat to the Hob. We can store a lot of it in our freezers and fridges. Between the two of us, I think we can keep three quarters of what we don't eat tonight."

"Well, let's start skinning this deer so we can eat it before nightfall."

"Ok, do you have a big knife? Oh wait…that was a dumb question. You sleep with knives," I say. Where are your knives?"

"They're in the sink."

"Of course, I almost forgot, you don't wash dishes. Do you just keep buying more or do you just reuse dirty plates?" I am half teasing and half serious. He washes a few knives and hands one to me.

"I can help you skin this deer but you have to cook it. I don't know how to cook. Well, I can but it's not good."

"Alright, I will do the cooking," I say with a smile. As we start skinning the deer, I notice how skilled Haymitch is with a knife. I have always known that he must be good with a knife but I didn't know how well until now. His arms are muscular and toned and he skins the deer with ease and surprisingly smooth movements, making neat, clean cuts. I have never seen him use a knife like this before, so calm and methodical. I have only seen him stabbing and slashing at the air when he is awoken from a bad dream. His hands are steady and he is careful. I wonder what else those masculine hands are capable of. No, I'm not going to go down that road, especially not right now while I am with Haymitch.

**Haymitch's POV**

She's in my house. What should I do? Part of me wants to bring up what happened the last time we saw each other. It has only been two days but it feels like longer. I have been thinking about her for the last two days. I look over at Katniss and she has that look on her face when she is thinking about something. I wonder what she is thinking. Is she thinking what I am? Even if she is, I can't allow a repeat of the other night.

"What's on your mind, Sweetheart?" I said without sarcasm in my voice. Why was I not being my normal sarcastic self? Katniss isn't looking at me. She is deliberately looking at the deer.

"Can I have a drink?"

"Yeah, sure. What would you like?"

"It doesn't matter. Whatever you have."

"Are you feeling ok, Katniss?"

"Yeah, why do you ask?"

"You look tense, as if you're in your own world." Am I right?"

"Yes, you're right. I am thinking about something."

"Well, what is it? "

"I'm thinking about the other night. You know, when we kissed, or rather, I kissed you." She says this in a barely audible whisper. Her cheeks are bright red. She's staring intently at a spot on the floor as if it holds the meaning of life. "I'm sorry and it won't happen again. It was a stupid mistake and I was drunk. I wasn't thinking clearly."

"It's ok, Sweetheart. There is no need to apologize."

"Yes, there is. I put you in an awkward position and I don't want to ruin our friendship or whatever this is between us."

"You haven't ruined anything and I'm not going anywhere," I whisper, moving closer to her. I put down my knife and take her hand in mine and give it a slight squeeze. What am I doing? Why am I holding her hand, why am I whispering? I'm asking myself these questions as I quickly drop my hand and go to the sink. I start washing my hands for something to do. I need to put some space between me and Katniss. She doesn't want to kiss me again. She said it was a drunken mistake. I don't know what to think about that. To my surprise, her words hurt me. They shouldn't and I have no right to be hurt, and yet, I am hurt. After I have washed my hands and all the blood is off, I go to a cabinet and grab a nice bottle of liquor. It is one of the bottles she gave me. I put some ice in the glass and then I pour a generous amount of liquor over the ice. I bring it over to the counter where she is still skinning the deer.

"Thank you," she says. "I need to wash my hands first." After she has thoroughly washed her hands, she takes the glass from my outstretched hand. Now it is she who grabs my hand and this surprises me. " Did you mean what you said about not going anywhere?" She is looking at me now with a look that I don't know how to read.

"Yes, I did, unless you don't want to have me around, Sweetheart."

"Of course I want you around, Haymitch."

"Well, I guess I want you around too, Sweetheart," I say with the utmost sincerity in my voice. I lift my hand to caress her cheek, and without knowing it, I bring her face closer to mine. "Katniss…," I say quietly, looking deeply into her beautiful seam eyes, "As long as what you said remains true, I'll always be with you…right here," I whisper before I close the distance between us and our lips meet.

**AN: I am sorry that it has taken me so long to update. I have been really busy with school. I just got done writing a seven page paper so I haven't had a chance to write anything for fun. If you like this chapter, please review. Sorry if the chapter is short. I hope it's not too short. As always, thank you to all of my followers and reviewers.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

**Katniss's POV**

He's kissing me! Haymitch Abernathy is actually kissing me! I'm dreaming. This has to be a dream; there is no other explanation for this. But even if it is just a dream, I'm going to savor this moment and pray that I never wake up. I return his kiss with a fire that I have never felt before. It is in this moment that I realize I need this; I want this more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. If only this was real. I don't really know how to kiss, being as I haven't had much practice, so I don't know what to do or how to react. Sure, I shared a kiss or two with Peeta in the arena, but that was more like a peck. It was nothing compared to what Haymitch is doing now. When I don't open my mouth, he coaxes my lips apart with his tongue. I don't deny him entry. In fact, I find myself eager to comply. Even though I don't know what to do, I know he does. Even if I did know what to do, I wouldn't be able to do much being as I am too distracted by what he is doing with his tongue. So, I let him kiss me, enjoying every second.

All of a sudden, he pulls away, leaving a hollow place inside me that I can't explain. I blink several times before I come to my senses. "Is this really happening or am I dreaming?" I ask Haymitch in a quiet voice.

"Sweetheart, if this was a dream, I wouldn't have stopped," he says in a seductive voice.

"Then why did you?" I ask sadly.

"Because you said that the other night was a mistake and…"

"Shut up and kiss me," I say as I pull his lips to mine. I'm not going to let this moment slip away. Not again. I'm going to hold on to it for as long as I can. I move my other hand to his shirt and begin to undo the buttons, when he grabs my wrist and pulls away from me again.

"Whoa, Katniss! What are you doing?" he asks, still holding my wrist.

"I thought you wanted this."

"I do, but I shouldn't. I can't be selfish and just do what I want. I need to do what is right for you and this is not it. You think you want this, but if we do this and you regret it, I couldn't live with myself. You are too important to me and I won't take advantage of you."

"You're not taking advantage of me!" I say, a little agitated now. "I do want this and I know that I won't regret it. The only thing I will regret is letting you push me away again when I know you want this. If you truly want me to stop, then look me in the eyes and tell me you don't want me."

"Katniss, I can't say that because it isn't true and I want this more than you know. I know these feeling are wrong, but it doesn't change them. I'm just trying to do the right thing."

"If you have feelings for me, then why is kissing me the wrong thing?"

"It's wrong because I am twice your age."

"I don't care how old you are," I say calmly, trying to reassure him.

"Sweetheart, are you absolutely, 100 percent sure that this is what you want?"

"I am," I say looking directly into his eyes. "And nothing you do or say is going to change that."

"God help us," he sighs. "You win, Katniss. I don't have the strength or control to fight this anymore. For the last two days, all I have been thinking about is you. Those were the longest two days of my life."

"I have been thinking about you too, Haymitch."

"If you are sure that you won't regret this and that this is what you want, I won't stop you; I won't hold back," he says in a husky low voice that I have never heard before and I like it. In a quick motion, he crashes his body into mine with such force that I am rocked back, but he doesn't let me fall; his strong arms hold me tight. His lips are on mine and his tongue glides along the roof of my mouth and his teeth nip my bottom lip, sending a shudder throughout my body. I open my mouth wider to deepen the kiss even more as I reach for the buttons on his shirt, eager to get it off. He makes a sound of warning before pulling back just enough to say "Maybe we should take it slow, Sweetheart."

"You said you wouldn't stop me," I remind him, trying to sound seductive, but not quite pulling it off.

"I don't want to rush into this." I push against him and feel his erection pressed against my stomach.

"Your body says differently."

"Be as that may, I think we should take it one step at a time. This is new territory and I want to explore it carefully. I'm also not sure how far you want to go with this and maybe we should talk about it when we are less aroused and thinking more clearly."

"Yeah and I should probably learn some of the basics first", I say feeling embarrassed. I've never done this before and I'm not sure what to do.

"Are you a virgin?"

"Ummm…yeah, I am," I say sheepishly.

"All the more reason for us to take it slow. I'm not sure where this is going, and I don't have any expectations, but if and when we decide to go further, whatever that entails, I want it to be special for you and I want to do this right."

"Ok, I can deal with that." I'm blushing and looking at the ground. I don't feel rejected, but I feel awkward for throwing myself at him like that. What has come over me? I have always thought of myself as having a lot of control. But I have never been in this kind of situation

"Are you ok, Katniss? Did I hurt your feelings? I didn't mean that as a rejection and it doesn't mean I don't want to. I just…

"I know," I say looking up at him. "I just have never done this before and it's new for me too. I guess I feel embarrassed by my lack of control," I murmur quietly.

"Don't feel embarrassed, I am flattered that you want me and that I excite you. I love it."

"Do I, you know…excite you?

"Of course you do," he says placing my hand on his crotch where he is still hard for me. "I definitely want you and you definitely turn me on, but I would hate to ruin this by moving too quickly, you know what I mean?"

"Actually, I think I do and thank you for being so considerate. I'm not saying I would regret anything, but I would probably enjoy it more if we approach this slowly." I smile as I give his erection a gently squeeze to show him how much I want this. He lets out a feral growl in appreciation as he kisses me hungrily and more eagerly than he ever has before.

**AN: I decided to post the next chapter, so here it is. I hope you like it. I have also changed the last paragraph of chapter 7 because I thought it was a little ambiguous. Anyway, I hope you like it. Please review if you do. Even if you have criticism, please tell me so I can do better. Thank you everyone for reading, reviewing and following my story.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

**Haymitch's POV**

I shouldn't be doing this. It's wrong and I know it, but I need this, and apparently, so does Katniss. She's only 17 and doing this makes me a pervert. Be that as it may, I can't stop this. I told her I wouldn't, and besides that, I don't want to. I don't know where this is going but it can't go too far just yet. I need to make sure that she won't regret this tomorrow. We have kissed before but not like this. Neither of us are drunk, so I think she at least knows what She's doing, but I have to make sure that she has no regrets. I think it would be best if we both got a good night's rest, and if in the morning, she still feels the same, then…what? That's the problem; I don't know what. Where do we go from here? If this continues, then of course, we will end up having sex and that is a whole other issue. Having sex comes with a lot of emotions that I'm not sure either of us is ready or able to dealing with. We are both so damaged and broken and I can't hurt her. I have to protect her. Suddenly, Katniss pulls away from me, breaking our kiss and my train of thought.

"What's wrong?" she asks, eyebrows furrowed.

"Nothing, Sweetheart."

"I can tell when you're lying you know."

"Katniss, I just…"

"Don't worry Haymitch. I think I get it. You're afraid that if this continues then it will go further and when, or if, that happens, we will develop feeling for each other and we won't know what to do." She isn't angry; instead she looks at me and smiles. She understands me. She always does. "I'm not mad Haymitch and I have thought about this too."

"It's as if you've read my mind. What conclusion did you come to when you considered our predicament?"

"I, like you, haven't come up with a solution, but unlike you, I am willing to try." She is still smiling and her eyes are filled with warmth as she looks at me. She is happy. Is that because of me? Do I make her happy?

"If you are sure, then I am willing to see where this goes. We will play it by ear and we will deal with the consequences, good or bad, together." I say this to her while looking into her eyes so she knows I am serious.

"Thank you, Haymitch," she whispers before her lips find mine again.

I don't want to stop, but for now I have to. Until both of us figure out what we want and what we are going to do, we have to take it slow. And kissing the way we are now is not exactly taking it slow. I reluctantly break our embrace and put my arms on her shoulders. She looks up and as always she says exactly what I am about to.

"Umm…so, we should probably go to sleep and think things over. I know how I feel and what I want, and a night of sleep isn't going to change that. I'm just afraid that maybe your mind will change."

"No, that's not it, Katniss. It's just that...I don't think it would be wise for us to spend the night together just yet."

"Oh, that. Of course, I understand and I totally agree. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind."

"I seriously doubt that, Sweetheart."

"Ok. Maybe it crossed my mind but nothing else. Just sleeping, nothing more."

"Uh hu, sure," I say sarcastically.

"You have a dirty mind Haymitch."

"I never denied that, Sweetheart." I give her a sly smile which she returns, her eyes sparkling. I can see it in her eyes that she has thought about more than just sleeping in my bed. I pull her closer to me, placing my hands on her hips. "Well, say what you will, but either way, as much as I want you to sleep here tonight, you can't. Not yet"

"Well, alright, until next time then. Don't make me wait so long this time."

"Believe me Sweetheart; I have no intention of staying away from you. Not anymore." We share another long and deep kiss, bid each other goodnight, and then she turns to leave. I am about to call her back, when she turns around and crashes into me, almost knocking me off my feet.

"I don't want to leave, and I am quite certain that you don't want me to," She mumbles, not breaking contact with my lips.

"You know what, Sweetheart, you're right. Fuck it. I want you to stay, and with a kiss like that, there is no way in hell I am letting you go now."

"Good, because I have no intention of leaving," she says kissing me again, this time with a fire I didn't know she possessed. I pick her up off the ground and she wraps her legs around me waist and her arms around my neck. With her arms around my neck and legs around my waist, I carry her up the stairs and into my bedroom. She is once more the _Girl on Fire_. She is my _Girl on Fire_. She has ignited a fire in me that I hope will never burn out.

**AN: I know it has been way too long since I last wrote and I am sorry. I am on spring break and I just got done with my last midterm today. I hope to update more while I am on break. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you to all who have added me to their favorites and to those who are following my stories. Please review.**

**-NefariousEnvy**


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

**Katniss's POV**

I can't believe what is happening. We have made it to his bedroom and he has placed me on the bed. When I reach for his shirt and begin to undo the buttons, he grabs my hands and pulls away. Now I am confused.

"Katniss…"

"Don't start, Haymitch. You just told me you want me and that you wouldn't deny it anymore." I'm upset and hurt.

"Yes, I did, and I meant it, but I also said we need to take this slow."

"But then you said you wanted me to stay. Have you changed your mind already?" I'm getting angry and I'm hurt. I knew this couldn't be real.

"Yes, but I didn't mean this," he says pulling my hand away from his half-way unbuttoned shirt. "Not tonight. I want this to be right."

"I guess I just thought that…" I pause and look away embarrassed and on the verge of tears. "I thought you wanted to…but I guess I was wrong."

"I'm sorry I gave you the wrong message, Sweetheart," he says with what I can only interpret as pity.

"No, I'm sorry. I have made a mistake." I am still looking at the ground; still not looking up at him. I know if I look at him right now my tears will betray me. "I should go home," I mumble so quietly I'm not sure he can hear me. What is wrong with me?

"Maybe tonight you should. I need to think about this, about everything." Now he is the one being quiet and I'm not sure what to make of it.

"Yeah, you're right…I should go."

"Katniss…wait…I didn't mean…" he says, grabbing my wrist when I turn to leave.

"No, I don't want to hear it Haymitch," I spit angrily as I pull my arm away. I pull with so much force that I stumble back when he lets go. I am at the door about to open it, when I hear Haymitch's voice.

"Katniss, let me explain…"

"No, goodbye Haymitch." My voice hitches as I say his name. My voice betrayed me and I hope he didn't notice. With my head down, I run out the door, and this time, I don't intend on coming back.

**AN: I know I have not updated for a long time and I am sorry. Finals were rough and I just didn't have time to update. I know this is a short chapter, and again, I'm really sorry. Please Review!**

**-NefariousEnvy**


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